Through my Kittenplay journey, there are a lot of things that I have learned. A lot of the lessons are things I can translate into everyday life. I am so grateful for everything that Kittenplay has taught me, and I’m excited to see what else I can learn through Kittenplay and BDSM. Here are 6 Things I Learned Through Kittenplay:
1. I Can’t Pressure Somebody Into Kittenplay
As important as consent is, there’s a lot of times where it isn’t as obvious as it should be. I remember when I first discovered Kittenplay. I was ecstatic about it, and wanted to get started right away. I researched. I made basic ears. I looked at every online kittenplay website I could. Eventually, I was ready to try it. When I brought it up to my partner, his initial reaction was unexpected. He wasn’t into it. “That’s fine”, I thought. “After experiencing it, he’ll think it’s cute and be into it, right?”. To my absolute and utter surprise, he was not into it, no matter what I did. I wore ears, I got a tail, I read every article titled “How to Get Your Partner into BDSM”, and nothing worked. It took an embarrassingly long time to realize that I was pressuring him into something he didn’t want to do, and therefore, violating consent. The very first lesson I learned in Kittenplay was that it is both wrong and impossible to force somebody to do something they didn’t want to do. Today, I am very careful with ensuring there is excitement on both sides about an activity, sexual or not, before we indulge in it.
2. I Am Encouraged to Say No
It was a big step for me to realize I was allowed to say no to things. It was an even bigger step for me to understand that I’m encouraged to say no. I let myself go through a lot of things for the benefit of my partners. Some were painful, and some were merely uncomfortable. Sex, and other activities, began to feel like a chore. It just wasn’t enjoyable when I was uncomfortable the whole time. Of course, I knew I was allowed to say no, but I felt like I had to save it. I didn’t want to use my “no”, because I wanted to push myself. I wanted to save my “no”, to use it in the most dire of circumstances. Eventually, I guess I got tired of thinking about sex like a chore. I started saying “no” a lot more. “No, that’s not my thing”, “No, can we do this instead?”, “No, let me change positions to something more comfortable”. And you know what? I began to enjoy sex. The more I said “No” to things I didn’t like, the more I was able to enjoy the things I did, and in turn, please my partner more by being more enthusiastic. This was something I could bring into daily life too. “No, I don’t like coffee, can we get smoothies instead?” “No, Mom, I’m not going to visit today.” etc. The world really opened up for me, and allowed me to connect to others in ways that I previously couldn’t.
3. I’m Allowed to Have Standards
BDSM and Kittenplay are a hard limit for me.I will never date somebody that is not a Dom, or will not act as my Owner while I am in Kittenspace. Kittenplay is important to me, and I will not set that aside for anybody. Setting a piece of myself to be in a relationship is counterproductive. Relationships aren’t supposed to be about sacrifices or compromises. They are supposed to be people sharing themselves and their interests. I will never be in a relationship with a person who doesn’t like cats. I have 2 cats, and I’ve seen how non-cat people react to my cats. I don’t deserve that, and my cats definitely don’t deserve that. It’s important to me that I’m dating people who only bring things to the table. If I ever feel like I have to sacrifice or give something up, that means it’s time to walk away. There is always going to be somewhere out there who will enjoy everything I am, and those are the people I will look for in my life.
4. People Will Leave, and That’s Okay
I used to be devastated when people I cared about found their way out of my life. I would do everything I could to be a good friend, girlfriend, or family member so that people wouldn’t leave. It hurt when they did, it wasn’t fair. Friends moved to different cities, boyfriends broke up with me, family members grew distant. As I grew older and got into kittenplay, it was normal for romantic partners to find kittenplay weird, or too far for them, and they would leave. Initially, I responded by hiding my kitten side, not letting partners know until I felt that they were dedicated to the relationship, yet when I opened up, they would disapprove. As I have said above, kittenplay is very important to me. If somebody doesn’t like kittenplay, and leaves because of it, I have to be okay with that. That was carried on to other areas of life too. They don’t like the color of my hair? Or the way I chew? Maybe I don’t think it’s fair that they leave. It doesn’t matter. They’re going to leave. I used to feel as though a piece of me was gone when people left. Now, I have the ability to understand that I am whole with or without other people in my life, and I feel free knowing that my soul can not be affected by people walking out of my life.
5. Communicating With My Partner
We’ve all heard that communication is important to cultivating and maintaining a healthy relationship. This is not only important for a BDSM/Kittenplay relationship, but it is literally impossible to have a BDSM relationship without communicating. In vanilla relationships, it’s easy to go from a dinner date to taking somebody home without much negotiation other than “your place or mine?” In BDSM relationships, there are so many more questions before any activity can start. “What are your hard limits? “Soft limits?” “What are the safewords?” “Who should I call in case something goes wrong?” “Do you have rope? Safety shears?” “What’s your level of experience?” “Do you have references I can talk to?” and the list goes on and on. Of course, in a long term relationship, there’s a lot of daily communication that needs to happen. When I am in kitten space, I am often non verbal. A lot of the communication has to be done either before I go into kitten space, or made clear with body language. I have to talk about things such as how long the scene will last, will Master feed me (I usually do the cooking)? If he does, what will he feed me? Will toys be used? Will we have sex during the scene? Of course, there are times when I can slip in and out of kittenspace without expectation. I have learned that communication is extremely important. If I start slacking in communication, I realize that I start acting out. Brats, of course, are a valid form of submission. In my case, my Owner and I have agreed that I do not get to brat unless it is a scene we have discussed beforehand. If I am acting as a brat, both my Owner and I know that something is not connecting. I am upset, and I am not communicating. I may be acting out to get attention, or I may be acting out because I’m upset about something he did. The lack of communication has a very real effect on my relationship, and it isn’t appropriate to bring that kind of energy to my owner.
6. Confidence in Myself
My collar is absolutely beautiful. It’s a black leather strip with rhinestones and a padlock heart. It buckles in the back. I made sure I wore it at all times. Well, in my own home anyways. I was terrified of wearing it out in public. I wasn’t ready to be that exposed. The first time I wore it out was by accident, I forgot to take it off before leaving. I didn’t even realize it was on until I got home. Nobody said anything. If people looked at me weirdly, I didn’t notice. Honestly, it felt really freeing. I was slow about integrating it into my life. At first it was only in public where we wouldn’t see anybody we knew, and then it was in more crowded places at the mall. At this moment in time, I can comfortably go to a family gathering wearing my collar.
Confidence is difficult for me, it always has been, and I have a long journey to go before I can say I’m fully confident in myself. Kittenplay has shown me how to begin. The truth is, nobody cares if I’m wearing a collar or ears, and if they do, that doesn’t affect my life in any way. Whether others approve of my gear is truly none of my business. I’m happy with my collar on, and I feel small without it. I have spent my whole life scared to wear things, or to be bold, and frankly, I’m tired of it. I want to wear kitten ears out and about. It’s going to be a process to do that, it’s going to make me nervous at times, but I know that ultimately, I will be my happiest when I can be myself without fear of what others think.
I wanted to add a lot more items on this list, but I didn’t want to overwhelm anybody! If this garners enough interest, I am happy to add a Part 2! ^_^